Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I stink at sacrifices.

Adam has been working overtime since, oh, September.

I hate overtime.

I know I should be thankful that he has a job. I am. I know I should be thankful that he loves his job, is good at it, is well respected. This job is his first one and he's been there over ten years, which is something to be proud of.

I am proud of him.

But overtime leaves me with four kids all day, from early in the morning to late at night. If I am lucky, Adam is here to watch them when I shower and get dressed. I'm the type of person who does NOT like leaving the house without make up. Heck, unless I am sick, I have my face on, my hair done, and my coffee in hand. I don't like looking like a slummy mummy. It doesn't take me very long to get ready, maybe 20 minutes from stepping in the shower to having my hair done. It's something small but it makes me feel normal, human and boosts my self esteem.

It is a giant pain in the rear to run to and fro and be the only physical, mental and emotional parent. Dragging four kids out in the cold to activities? It is a pain! A big pain!  Yet, I can't ask Joseph to give up TKD because Adam is at work all the time. It's not his fault or problem. It's my problem.

I'm so tired at night that I can't do the chores. I normally finish cleaning the kitchen, living room and do some laundry. I just can't. I need to get it done in the morning.

I know I should be the good ole Catholic and offer up my sufferings for those who want children, a job, a nice house, etc etc etc. And I do. Honestly I do.

But, like the title says, I suck at sacrficies. I'm groucy now, sitting here thinking about how when I left for a busy day out of the house (baby shower and teaching CCD) AND TOOK COLE WITH ME, how Adam had help. People came and helped him watch the other three and took care of the yard. When Adam is gone for weeks, no one helps me. Yes, I have friends come over sometimes but the big bulk of the work is left to me. And it BITES.

I have family members who have/had help with their children- help on a daily basis. When the milk spills all over the kitchen, the toddler is clinging to their legs screaming as they hobble around the kitchen trying to prepare dinner, when the baby is on an all day nurse a thon... when they want to go to the gym ... they just pick up the phone and help is on the way. I've faced some intense pressure from people to go back to school and get my Masters or to work on my writing so I could Be Famous. It's all well and good but I have no one to watch my children five days a week when I go back to school full time or while I write. No one is here at night to juggle four kids to bed or bath or help drive them to activities.

And when help does come? People THINK they know how to help but they don't ask what is clean or dirty before throwing in the wash, what needs to be put away or packed away, what the baby eats or where items are kept. It creates more work for me in the long run and isn't very helpful. I think it all harkins back to a big problems Adam and I have: people not realizing that we are adults who have raised four kids with little help from anyone for years. We have our own way of doing things, and our own SYSTEM. "Mommy knows best" (figurative mommy) doesn't really apply anyone. We are adults and we've been forced, for lack of a better work, to make our own way.

Yeah. It was a bitter day when I thought of my realitves who have oddles of help and less children. Must be nice to be them.

I think it would be easier if overtime ment more money or I had the "Freedom" to grab a latte or iced tea without guilt. If I had time to run to the gym- three hours a week, just like Adam has. If I had more energy, less fat. If I had a housekeeper or someone else to run the vacuum. Even a simple trip to the library, alone with the kids.

I AM thankful for the times Adam is home, because he does help. I am thankful for his job and that he takes such good care of himself. I'm thankful that we are staying home this year, not running to realitves houses to be yelled at, guilted about something and given more gag gifts or stupid ornaments. I get to stay at home, relax and pick what I for Christmas dinner. SCORE!

But sometimes... just sometimes... just on the days when everything seems tough, hard, there's not enough of me ... I want some help. I want someone to say thank you. I want some encouragment.

But I guess I should just grit my teeth, bear it and offer it up. My reward will come one day... right?

1 comment:

  1. Everyone's life is different but I think all mother's can relate- or at least I know I can. About a week ago I had a horrible day and was very resentful about not having enough help, having to juggle my life, having misbehaved kids and a husband who is also working tons of OT. Those types of days suck and it's hard to get out of that rut. I try to think about this part of my life as a phase which will seem too short when I'm looking back. College isn't easy with kids. Anyone suggesting that as a way for you to self-improve doesn't have their head screwed on right. In addition to the added time committment have they even considered the high cost of grad classes?