Honesty in Illness and Death

Welcome to the February 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Honesty This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about authenticity through honesty. We hope you enjoy this month's posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Self-Expression and Conformity. ***  

 

This essay is also part of the "Let the Little
Ones Come to Him" seris.

Our family is very lucky and somewhat unusual. My husband and I have four living grandparents (total!), and many aunts, uncles and cousins. Not only do they know their great-grandparents, but they see everyone at least once a year.  They have loving relationships with all these people and look forward to seeing them. They are very, very blessed.

But with this blessing comes a downside: the knowledge that, at a young age, they will likely have to deal with the illness and/or death of many people they love. Because they know all their relatives on a personal level, I imagine it might be harder for them than it might be for the average child, who only knows their great-extended-family through pictures and the odd card.

I have never wanted to shield my children from some of the harder life-topics, like birth and sexuality. We talk openly and honestly about how babies are made and the physical differences between boys and girls. But when the questions about death came, spurred on by the death of our beloved dog,  I found myself hemming and hawing. We had explained that the dog was dead and she was in heaven- wasn’t that enough? It wasn’t for our Herd and in the days and months that followed, we were asked the hard questions about death, dying and what happens to people and animals after they die. The questions, and my determination to answer them as openly and as honestly as possible,  forced me to talk to them about this tough topic. In the end, I was more comfortable discussing death and the afterlife than I was born.

Why was I comfortable with questions about the beginning of life, but not the end?

I’m sure part of it is the stage of life we are in. With four children and many of our friends and families still having babies, pregnancy and birth are topics of frequent conversations. Generally, birth is a happy topic and people like discussing happy things. Death, though, isn’t considered happy and our first instinct as parents is to shield them from life’s difficulties. When death came to our house, the first thing I wanted to do was say, “Yeah it happened but let’s get back to the happy stuff!”

My instinct was normal but not necessarily good. Childhood is the time to learn how to handle “big emotions” in a healthy way, so they can know how to deal with these emotions when they are adults. I needed to show them healthy ways of dealing with something that is very difficult.

Recently, this topic has come up again but in a much, much more difficult way than the family dog: a member of our extended family is very ill. My children are older and their understanding of illness and death is much more complex than it was before. The hard questions are coming again, but this time they are about a human, not a dog.

 It would be easy to shield my children from this event, as our extended family is not physically close to us. However, I’ve chosen to be age-appropriately open and honest with them. For one, I know they might overhear my husband and myself talking and I don’t want them to think we are the ones who are sick. They have also seen me upset and crying, something that can be scary for children. I think that knowing why Mommy is crying makes it easier for the children to see; plus, it acknowledges that crying is a healthy response to upsetting news.

As Catholics, many of my answers to their questions are rooted in our faith. The children have gone with my to the church to light candles, asking various saints for their intercession. I have encouraged the children to pray for our family member, both in their personal prayers and when we pray as a family. We also have sent cards and drawn pictures. They like being able to do something for the person that is ill.

Our family member is doing well but that doesn’t erase the knowledge that no one knows when they will pass on to the next world. Whether or not the children will attend funerals depends on a variety of factors. My husband and I agree that they will likely travel with us but we will not force them to view a body or approach a casket. We plan on reminding them that the body is just a shell; a person’s soul lives on forever. It may be very hard for them to see people they love mourning but I hope that seeing adults mourn reassures them of the fact that everyone deals with these big emotions- they are hard and hurt but they are normal and healthy.

For me, walking with my children through the hard questions and experiences about illness, death and dying is one of the hardest parts of parenting. I wish could keep all the hurts of life from them, especially things like this. However, I can’t and I hope that by being open and honest with them, I help them handle a difficult situation in a healthy manner.

Tips for answering questions about illness, death and dying:

1. Be honest: it's okay to say that you don't know the answer to something.

2. Be age appropriate: What I tell my children about illness and how the body works depends on their age and understanding. My older children may receive a more complex answer than my younger kids.

3. Assure them of love: I always tell the kids that I love them and the person who is ill or has died loves them too. Love never dies.

4. Remind them it is okay to mourn, cry and ask hard questions: I've told the children that they can ask me anything and I won't get mad. I know they might be mad at God and ask why He took this person from them. It's okay to have those feelings too: God can handle it.

5. Allow them to see you mourn, but it's also okay to ask for privacy and cry in private. I've also set limits with our children and asked that they come to myself or my husband with their questions. Other family members might not welcome children's questions when they are dealing with their own emotions and that's okay.

6. Decide what you want to tell them about the afterlife: I think this goes for younger children more than older ones. Younger kiddos seem to want concrete answers more than older children, who can entertain higher level thoughts and explore different beliefs about what happens to a soul when the person dies. Our family is Catholic and we have explained these answers in accordance with the Catholic Church's teachings.

7. Enlist help: There are a variety of books that explain illness and death to children. Use them! There is nothing wrong with asking a consular, child-life specialist or social worker for help. These people are more than happy to give you resources or talk with your children.

 

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Visit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next month's Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!   Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants: (This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 22 with all the carnival links.)

• A Lie Is A Lie - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama outlines ten reasons why she believes parents lie to their children on a more than casual bases.
• Telling Truths - Survivor at Surviving Mexico writes about the difficulty in raising a bi-cultural child when cultural norms are not mutually exclusive, specifically in the area of lying.
• Honesty in Illness and Death - Laura at WaldenMommy:Life Behind the Red Front Door writes how she and her husband strive to be open and honest with their Herd of children about tough subjects, especially death.
• Talking Honestly About Death - Amy W. at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work, is glad she chose to be honest with her children about the deaths of their pets, despite her fears of upsetting them.
• Freedom through Honesty - At Living Peacefully with Children, Mandy speaks to how honesty allows us to break free of the chains which bind us.
• Guilty Children? - Jorje of Momma Jorje touches on the many ways lies (and accusations of lies) have impacted her abilities as a parent.
• Choosing Our Words: Everyday Honesty With Children - In her guest post at The Badass Breastfeeder, Alice discusses the importance of being honest with children, even when it seems easier not to.
• Truth/Lies...Accuracy, Honesty...Love - Mari from Honey on the Bum talks about how a shift in perspective helps her deal with inaccurate statements and secrets with her kids.

Feminister Odyssey Blog Carnival

My post, "The Yellow- what now?," is featured in the Feminist Odyssey's Blog Carnival about women in literature. Pop over to  Our (Feminist) Playschool to see more wonderful articles about feminism, women and literature!

I am Mom and I have had ENOUGH.

Welcome to the I Am Mom! Enough! Carnival hosted by Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama and Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children.


This Carnival is dedicated to empowering ALL parents who practice and promote and peaceful, loving, attachment parenting philosophy. We have asked other parents to help us show the critics and the naysayers that attachment parenting is beautiful, uplifting, and unbelievably beneficial and NORMAL!

In addition to the Carnival, Joni from Tales of a Kitchen Witch and Jennifer from True Confessions of a Real Mommy are co-hosting a Linky Party. Please stop by either blog to share any of your posts on the topic.

Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants. Post topics are wide and varied, and every one is worth a read.

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Excuse me? Excuse me?! Hello, I am talking to YOU! Yes, YOU! Did you just say that this woman, this mother, who is sitting here nursing her toddler is committing child abuse? Child molestation?

You did? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You really said that? Really? Well, I NEVER.

And YOU! Yes, YOU. Did you just tell this mother that the bottle of formula she is feeding her baby is poison? Really? YOU SAID THAT? What on God’s green EARTH made you say THAT?

Oh, good gravy, not birth! Please, stop bickering to each other about birth! Yes, I know you had a  homebirth with a midwife. Yes, I understand that you think all babies should be born in a hospital. I GET IT. Just PLEASE STOP ARGUING.

No! No, I don’t want you . . . ENOUGH. Do you hear me, ENOUGH! You! Sit HERE. And YOU! Over there. Sit and THINK about what you said.

Yes, yes I am treating you like belligerant two years old who have not had a nap in a week and lived off Pop Rocks and Moutain Dew. That's what you are acting like! I believe in education and informed  choices- and I know both of you do too. But what is right for one family may not be right for another and if you want acceptence, you have to show it.
I am sorry I got angry.

Are you done? Calmed down? Good. Whew. I really, really don’t like it when you ladies fight. I love all of you and there is enough room at this parenting table for all of us. Mothering is hard, slogging work without us turning on each other.

Please, shake hands, make up and have a playdate. I am a mom, and I have had enough of these wars.

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Thank you for visiting the I Am Mom! Enough! Carnival hosted by hosted by Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama and Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants and check out previous posts at the linky party hosted by Joni from Tales of a Kitchen Witch and Jennifer from True Confessions of a Real Mommy:


(This list will be live and updated by afternoon May 28 with all the carnival links.)

• Good Enough? — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy writes about how Good Enough is not Good Enough, if you use it as an excuse to stop trying.
• The High Cost of High Expectations JeninCanada at Fat and Not Afraid shares what it's like to NOT feel 'mom enough' and wanting to always do better for herself and family.
• TIME to Be You! — Becky at Old New Legacy encourages everyone to be true to themselves and live their core values.
• I am mom and I have had ENOUGH — A mother had had ENOUGH of the mommy wars.
• Motherhood vs. Feminism — Doula Julia at juliamannes.com encourages feminists to embrace the real needs and cycles and strengths of women.
• There Is No Universal Truth When It Comes To Parenting — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how parenting looks around the world and why there is no universal parenting philosophy.
• Attachment Parenting Assumptions — ANonyMous at Radical Ramblings argues that attachment parenting is not just for the affluent middle-classes, and that as parents we all need to stop worrying about our differences and start supporting each other.
• Thoughts on Time Magazine, Supporting ALL Mamas, and Advocating for the Motherless — Time Magazine led That Mama Gretchen to think about her calling as a mother and how adoption will play an important role in growing her family.
• Attachment Parenting: the Renewed Face of Feminism — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children embraces her inner feminist as she examines how the principles of attachment parenting support the equal treatment of all.
• What a Mom Wants! — Clancy Harrison from Healthy Baby Beans writes about how women need to support each other in their different paths to get to the same destination.
• Attachment Parenting: What One Family Wants You To Know — Jennifer, Kris, 4 year old Owen and 2 year old Sydney share the realities of attachment parenting, and how very different it looks than the media's portrayal.
• We ALL Are Mom Enough — Amy W. of Amy Willa: Me, Mothering, and Making It All Work thinks that all mothers should walk together through parenthood and explores her feelings in prose.
• A Typical Day Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment shares what a typical day with her attached family looks like...all in the hopes to shed light on what Attachment Parenting is, what it's not and that it's unique within each family!
• The Proof is in the (organic, all-natural) Pudding — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about how, contrary to what the critics say, the proof that attachment parenting works in visible in the children who are parented that way.
• I am mom and I have had ENOUGH A mother had had ENOUGH of the mommy wars.
• Time Magazine & Mommy Wars: Enough! What Really Matters? — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter encourages moms to stop fighting with each other, and start alongside each other.
• Attachment parenting is about respect — Lauren at Hobo Mama breaks down what attachment parenting means to her to its simplest level.
• I am an AP mom, regardless... — Jorje ponders how she has been an Attachment Parenting mom regardless of outside circumstances at Momma Jorje.
• The first rule of Attachment Parenting is: You Do Not Talk about Attachment Parenting — Emily discusses, with tongue aqnd cheek, how tapping into our more primal selves actually brings us closer to who we are rather than who we think we should be.
• Mom, I am. — Amy at Anktangle discusses how Attachment Parenting is a natural extension of who she is, and she explains the ways her parenting approach follows the "live and let live" philosophy, similar to her beliefs about many other areas of life.

His Voice

written Feb 28, 2012 and saved for the carnival.

Today held one of those moments that will forever be burned into my brain.
It was an usually warm Midwestern winter day. The car read 55-plus degrees and it was sunny and bright but we still drove to pick Georgie up from preschool. I half hoped Cole would fall asleep in the car on the way there; he had been fussy and into everything all morning.

George ran up to me, smiling, saying, “MAMA!” in his loud voice. His teachers told me he had a great day and he ran through the strong breeze to the car. Standing on the sidewalk, he pointed excited to the tires. Jabbering on, he explained, through a language we have dubbed “Preschool Mime” how Daddy had lifted the car up to change a tire. I laughed at the way he held his arms like a forklift and beeped and hummed to show me what he wanted to say. Laughing, I grabbed him into my arms and counted, “One, two, three, UP!” and he said “UH!”

“Uh-PUH!” I said, forcing the “puh” sound out of my mouth.

“PUH!” he said laughing and I hoisted him into the arm and into his car seat.

Suddenly, his mood shifted and he pointed to the seat in front of him, saying, “Ma!”

“You want a book?” I guessed.

“No!”

“A train? A dinosaur book? Baby Brother’s cup?” Each guess was met with a “NO!” and a more emphatic point to the front seat. Finally, it dawned on me. “Oh! You need a snack!”

“Uh-huh!” he nodded. I asked him if he could wait and he scowled and said no. I glanced at the clock.

“Well, if we hurry we can run home and get so fruit leather before we have to pick up Sister.” He nodded and grinned. I carefully pulled out of the car pool lane as he began to jabber on in Preschool Mime about the tire.

“Daddy fixed the tire?” A nod. “Did it have an ow?” A nod again. “Did the car get an ow?”

Then it happened. In the middle of our neighborhood, right by our friend’s house, in the shade of one of her large trees IT happened. As the sky pierced blue and the sun shone into my eyes, my child, at three years and three months said, “Uh-huh. Car. Get. Ow.”

I nearly slammed on the brakes and gave myself whiplash as I spun in my seat and said. “WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

Georgie looked a wee bit frightened. “Car. Get. Owe.” Each word was clear, distinct and carefully pronounced, said in a voice I rarely hear: his normal, not Apraxic voice.

And there, sitting in my crumb filled mini-van in the middle of a quiet street in our neighborhood, I cried. “George! You did it! You said your first sentence! Good for you! You did it!”

It’s not abnormal for children, at the age of three years and three months, to tell stories about events that happen to them. It’s even more normal for them to chatter on and on about something they love. And the sentence “car get ow” could even be considered (dare I say it?) a bit baby-ish for a three year old. But for my son, a child who knows just what he wants to say but cannot send the message from his brain to his mouth to make the sounds, that simple sentence was huge.

A year ago, George was just beginning to make eye contact with strangers, like a store clerk, who tried to engage him. His language was made up almost entirely of the phrase “uh duh duh” and gestures. He had no signs and no word for “Mommy.” He hated to leave my husband or myself because we were his safe people, one of a handful of people on the planet who understood him and what he wanted. A year ago, my son was locked inside himself and we were desperately trying to find him the help he needed.

Now, his vocabulary has grown. He calls me “ma” or “mama” or even “mom” if he is particularly upset with me. He makes noises when he plays and tries to tell me stories. He signs and is trying two word phrases, even if those “words” are just jargon. His jargon itself has changed. He runs off to school- not every time, but he will increasingly leave me without a fuss. He says “no” and can communicate most of his needs to us and to people outside the family. He has gone to two different speech therapists and partaken in a variety of “alternative” therapies (cranial work, hippotherapy and fish oil supplements). He has worked. He has worked hard on something that comes easily to most of us- speech.

I do not know if, tomorrow, he will be able to say the words “car” or “get.” (“Ow” is already a word that he uses frequently.) I do not know if I will continue to hear three word phrases from him. Childhood Apraxia of Speech is funny in that way; one day, he will burst out difficult words like “grandpa” and we may never hear from them again. Other times, he will say something (like “egg”) and the word will hang around.

What I do know is that the phrase “car get ow” uttered on a warm, sunny winter’s day is the most magical phrase I have ever heard. He didn’t just tell me that the car had an ow, he told me that over 18 months of hard, solid work on his part, countless phone calls on mine, many tears, many frustrations and many more triumphs were worth it. He is talking, he will talk, he will have a voice. And it will be his own.

For more information about Childhood Apraxia of Speech, please visit many of the blogs under "This is the way we (blog) roll," click on the "About Apraxia of Speech" in my sidebar or visit "Apraxia-Kids." You can also visit the American Speech, Hearing and Language Assosiation for more information about all speech, hearing and language disorders. (CAS is here.)


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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon March 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Parenting A Child With Neutropenia — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses the challenge of parenting a young child who cannot produce enough neutrophils to fight off bacterial infections.
• How I Love My High Need Baby — Shannon at GrowingSlower was shocked to find she is parenting a high-needs baby, but she's surviving thanks to attachment parenting.
• We're a Lot Like You — kaidera at Our Little Acorn talks about how her family is similar to others, even with all their special needs
• The Emotional Components of Bonding with Preemies — Having a premature baby can bring on many unexpected emotions for parents, but working through those emotions can bring about a wonderful bonding experience. Adrienne at Natural Parents Network shares.
• Raising a babe with IUGR: from birth through the toddler years — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet shares the story of how her son’s post-birth IUGR diagnosis affected his first days of life and gave her an unexpected tutorial in advocating for their rights as a family.
• When a grandparent has a disability — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares how she has approached explaining her mother's disability to her young child.
• Taking The Time To Really See Our Children — Sam at Love Parenting writes about her experiences working with children with various disabilities and how it has affected her parenting style.
• Natural Parenting In An Unnatural Environment — Julie at What I Would Tell You gives us a glimpse into how she improvised to be a natural parent against all odds.
• Getting Through the NICU — Laura at Authentic Parenting gives a few pointers on how to deal with your newborn's stay in the NICU.
• Living With Sensory Processing Disorder — Christy at Adventures in Mommyhood talks about the challenges that can come from living with a child who has SPD.
• Our rules for NICU - March Carnival — Hannabert's Mom shares her family's rules for family and friends of a NICU baby.
• Letter from Mineral's Service Dog — Erika at Cinco de Mommy imagines the letter that accompanies her special needs son's Service Dog.
• Blessings in Unexpected Places — That Mama Gretchen welcomes an inspiring guest post from a dear friend who shares about the blessings that come from a child with Down syndrome.
• Tube Feeding with a Blenderized Diet of Whole Foods — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her experiences with using real food when feeding her daughter who was unable to feed herself and needed a feeding tube.
• Abbey and Evan — Amyables at Toddler In Tow writes about watching her preschooler play with her friend who is autistic and deaf, and wonders how she can explain his special needs better.
• How to Minimise the Chance of a {Genetically Prone} Child Being Diagnosed with ADHD — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares her tips on keeping a child who is genetically prone to ADHD from suffering the effects.
• Tough Decisions: Parenting With Special Needs — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares what has been keeping her up at night worrying, while spending her days discovering just what her options are for her precocious child.
• Life with my son — For Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum, life with an autistic child is just another variation on the parenting experience.
• Dear Special Needs Mama — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes a letter of encouragement to herself and other mamas of special needs children.
• His Voice — Laura at WaldenMommy relives the day her son said his first sentence.
• What is 'wrong' with you' The challenge of raising a spirited child — Tara at MUMmedia discusses the challenges of raising a child who is 'more' intense, stubborn, and strong willed than your average child.
• Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her shortlist of tips she's learned in parenting a newborn with special medical needs in a guest post at Becoming Crunchy.
• Parenting the Perfectionist Child — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses that as parents of gifted children, we are in the unique position to help them develop the positive aspects of their perfectionism.
• Montessori-Inspired Special Needs Support — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now gives a list of websites and blogs with Montessori-inspired special-needs information and activities.
• Accommodating Others' Food Allergies — Ever wonder how to handle another family's food allergies or whether you should just skip the play date altogether? At Code Name: Mama, Dionna's friend Kellie (whose family has a host of allergies) shares how grateful she is when friends welcome them, as well as a list of easy snacks you can consider.
• Only make promises you can keep — Growing up the child of a parent with a chronic illness left a lasting impact on Laura of A Pug in the Kitchen and what she is willing to promise for the future.
• A Mom and Her Son — Jen at Our Muddy Boots was fortunate to work with a wonderful family for several summers, seeing the mother of this autistic son be his advocate, but not in the ways she thought.
• Guest Post from Maya at Musings of A Marfan Mom — Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share a guest post from Maya, who writes about effective tools she has found as a parent of two very special boys.
• You Don't Have to Be a Rock — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds steadiness in allowing herself to cry.
• When Special Needs Looks "Normal" — Amy at Anktangle writes about her experience with mothering a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder. She offers some tips (for strangers, friends, and loved ones) on how to best support a family dealing with this particular neurological challenge.
• Special Needs: Limitation or Liberation? — Melissa of White Noise describes the beauty in children with special needs.
• How I Learned It'll Be Okay — Ashley at Domestic Chaos reflects on what she learned while nannying for a boy with verbal delays.
• Attachment Parenting and Depression — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how attachment parenting has helped her get a clearer image of herself as a parent and of her depression.
• On invisible special needs & compassion — Lauren at Hobo Mama points out that even if we can't see a special need, it doesn't mean it's not there.
• Thoughts on Parenting Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares her approach to parenting twins.
• ABCs of Breastfeeding in the NICU — Jona at Breastfeeding Twins offers tips for establishing breastfeeding in the alphabet soup of the NICU.
• Life With Michael - A Mother's Experience of Life With Aspergers Disorder — At Diary of a First Child, Luschka's sister-in-law Nicky shares her experience as mother to a child on the Autism Spectrum. It is filled with a mother's love and devotion to her child as an individual, not a label.
• Raised by a Special Needs Mom — Momma Jorje shares what it was like growing up as the daughter of a mother with a handicap.
• Becoming a Special Needs Mom — Ellen at These Broken Vases shares about becoming the mother of a child with Down syndrome
• She Said It Was "Vital" — Alicia of Lactation Narration (and My Baby Sweets) discusses the conflict she felt when trying to decide whether therapy was necessary for her daughter.

Carnival of NIP: Four Sips of NIP

Welcome to the July 2010 Carnival of Nursing in Public

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Nursing in Public hosted by Dionna and Paige at NursingFreedom.org. All week, July 5-9, we will be featuring articles and posts about nursing in public ("NIP"). See the bottom of this post for more information.
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Four Sips of NIP

There was never any question I would breastfeed my children. I nursed until I was two and a half, as did my siblings. My husband and his siblings nursed at least a year, so he was comfortable with the idea. When it came to nursing in public, though, that’s where we differed.

I’m not a modest person, having spent hours in my bathing suit when I was on a swim team, so it never occurred to me to nurse until a blanket or shawl. I have no problem with them but, as I honestly told my husband, “Do you really think I am coordinated enough to juggle a blanket AND hook up a newborn?” My husband maintained there was something sexual about nursing. As usual, I gave him A Look and told him he was crazy.

Now, six years and four kids later, my husband is used to seeing my shirts in various states of disarray in public. The only time he bats an eye is if I don’t have a baby or toddler with me!

1

My first real chance to NIP came when my oldest was six weeks old. We packed up our new little family and headed on an eleven hour road trip to visit my husband’s grandparents and attend his aunt’s wedding. Along the way, I nursed in the car at various truck stops and, once, next to a milk truck. I was slightly amused.

Shortly after we arrived, we had to attend a rehearsal dinner for the people in the wedding and out of town guests. Adam’s grandmother enjoyed holding her new great-grandson (and late husband’s namesake) but right as the buffet was being served, Baby Joseph needed to eat. I wasn’t sure how my husband’s more conservative extended family would respond to NIP (and not wanting to nurse in a metal folding chair), so I looked around for a comfortable yet secluded place to nurse. A group of couches were lined up in one corner so I stole my baby back and headed over, instructing my husband to make a plate for me.

As I settled in and put my feet up, I heard someone come up behind me. I braced myself but it was the sister of the bride. She leaned over and said, “Oh! You’re breastfeeding! I think that’s great! I nursed my twins in public too but I had to drag a chair into the bathroom so I could nurse them at the same time. I would nurse one on each side. “I laughed and she said, “It’s wonderful that you are nursing. Keep up the good work!”

The whole wedding was wonderful but that, for me, was the sweetest moment. I was a new mother, just getting my feet on the ground and having a little cheering section meant the world to me.

2

When my son was two years old and my daughter was six months, my parents convinced up to take a family vacation to Branson. My brother was joining the military and they wanted all of their children, grandchildren and sons-in-law to get together for one last “hoorah” before he left for basic training. What was supposed to be a quiet trip to Branson to see the Dixie Land Stampede ended up being one of THOSE trips that go down in family lore, right up there with the Thanksgiving from… you know.

Three-fourths of the way to Branson, we smelled something that no parent ever wants to smell- poop. My son, in the middle of potty training, had had a massive diaper leak. Massive. All over everything, including his Blankey.

We stopped quickly to wash him off and clean up as much of the damage as possible. My husband suddenly and brilliantly decided that Joseph needed a new car seat (for his car… yup!), so we drove to the nearest K-Mart to pick one up.

By this time, I was hot, sticky and covered in sweat. Camille, our six month old, had been acting hungry for awhile but now she was screeching, complete with a pterodactyl head bob at my chest. Leaving my husband, son, a new car seat, pull-ups and a Matchbox car in the checkout line behind a woman trying to convince her teenage daughter to pierce her tongue, I headed out to the van to nurse.

I was sitting in the back with all the doors open, enjoying the cool breeze, when I heard a man say, “Ma’am?” Very coolly, I responded, “Yes?” wondering who this stranger was and why he was talking to me.

“I’m sorry, I was talking to someone else,” he replied politely. I smiled and went back to nursing Camille.

A moment later, the gentleman turned his head around and peered at me in the backseat. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell earlier. I am very sorry."

I thought that he thought he had disturbed Camille nursing so I said, “Oh, you weren’t yelling! Don’t worry about it! I was just sitting here nursing the baby. You didn’t bother us at all!”

The man turned beet red and started tripping over himself with apologies even as he was running for the K-Mart door. “I am so embarrassed! I didn’t realize you were doing that! I thought you were enjoying the cool breeze; I didn’t see the baby! I’m so sorry!”

I began reassuring him. “Don’t worry about it! I nurse anywhere; it’s not a problem” but the poor guy was already in K-Mart, completely embarrassed, I’m sure.

I was laughing when my husband and son returned to the car. Between the blow out, the mother in the checkout line and the man running away from me nursing my daughter, I was ready for a hot shower and cold drink… in the order!

3

When Georgie was six months old, our family of five ventured out to Cold Stone Creamery for a mid-summer’s treat of ice cream. Of course, as soon as we got there, Georgie smelled the ice cream and thought he needed to eat. I chuckled at the appropriateness of nursing in an ice cream store and sat down to nurse without a second thought.

I calmly sat, not paying much attention to anything, when I realized I was being stared at. I quickly checked to make sure the baby hadn’t unlatched but, nope, he was still nursing away. My belly was covered by my larger-than-average-nursling… and then I heard it.

“Some people think they are all that and that they’re the only ones that exist. … I mean, I’ve got boobs and you’ve got boobs but we don’t feel the need to show them off…”

I looked up, surprised to see a group of adult women pointing at me and staring. Georgie chose that moment to finish nursing, so I closed up shop and took the ice cream from my oblivious husband. I was confused- I was nursing my son discreetly in a public place where both he and I were welcome. What was the problem? Or, moreover, what was their problem?

My husband told me later I should have said something to them but I’m glad I didn’t. It would have only added fuel to the fire. Three months later, Georgie was weaning due to my new pregnancy and I was giving him a bottle of formula in public. I was at the receiving end of a nasty comment proving ya can’t win for tryin’!

4

A friend and fellow mother of four once told me, “My first baby got milk but the rest of them got milkshakes!” It’s very true- I never nurse sitting down anymore and, in public, I have to be ready to jump up and run after the toddler, taking a nursing baby with me, jiggling all the way.

Cole was mostly bottle fed for the first two months due to his tongue tie. Within a week of it getting clipped, he was nursing at the breast. A month later, however, he still sometimes has trouble maintaining a good suction and drawing the nipple into his mouth. Helping him do this, complete with the occasional breast compressions when he needs it, is not a discreet affair.

Recently I took the children out of town to visit my family. In the car, Cole suddenly decided he was hungry and needed to eat NOW. This was a problem in the middle of the highway with no rest stop in sight. I pulled into the first one I saw and nearly jumped out of the car, pulling my sweaty and red baby to me.

Before I got the other children unbuckled, I had Cole nursing in the sling, sniffling and looking at me forlornly. With one hand, I held him steady and with the other, I unbuckled my three other children. We were walking up to the restrooms when laughter greeted our ears.

A man, his mother and son were sitting at a picnic table watching us. He was smiling, laughing and said, “I have four children too and I remember those days. Cherish it.”

And I do. Before I can blink, my NIP days will be over and I will be the mother leaning over the back of the couch, telling a new mother what a wonderful job she’s doing. I’ll be the person in the parking lot spying another nursing in the back of a van, enjoying the cook breeze and the woman thinking the, yup, an ice cream parlor is really the best place to give milk to your baby on a hot day. When the days grow longer and it is my grandchildren’s turn to take a sip in public, I’ll have stories of my own NIP days to tell them.

*****






Welcome to the Carnival of Nursing in Public


Please join us all week, July 5-9, as we celebrate and support breastfeeding mothers. And visit NursingFreedom.org any time to connect with other breastfeeding supporters, learn more about your legal right to nurse in public, and read (and contribute!) articles about breastfeeding and N.I.P.


Do you support breastfeeding in public? Grab this badge for your blog or website to show your support and encourage others to educate themselves about the benefits of breastfeeding and the rights of breastfeeding mothers and children.

<center><a href="http://www.nursingfreedom.org/p/carnival-of-nursing-in-public.html" title="Carnival of Nursing in Public"><img src="http://www.babydustdiaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/inip1.png" alt="Art by Erika Hastings at http://mudspice.wordpress.com/" border="0"></a></center>

This post is just one of many being featured as part of the Carnival of Nursing in Public. Please visit our other writers each day of the Carnival. Click on the links below to see each day’s posts - new articles will be posted on the following days:
July 5 - Making Breastfeeding the Norm: Creating a Culture of Breastfeeding in a Hyper-Sexualized World
July 6 – Supporting Breastfeeding Mothers: the New, the Experienced, and the Mothers of More Than One Nursing Child
July 7 – Creating a Supportive Network: Your Stories and Celebrations of N.I.P.
July 8 – Breastfeeding: International and Religious Perspectives
July 9 – Your Legal Right to Nurse in Public, and How to Respond to Anyone Who Questions It

Carnival of NIP: Preview

Tomorrow morning my post (just one from many bloggers) goes up for the Carnival of NIP (Nursing In Public). As a preview, here's little baby Cami nursing, but not in public: