Saturday, December 11, 2010

2010 is almost gone?

I know people say this all the time, but I am honestly not sure where 2010 went. It seems like just yesterday that I was 20 something weeks pregnant and wishing 2009 was over. I was so looking forward to 2010 and leaving all the stresses of 2009 (the NICU aftermath, the house buying/selling, the family issues, the PPD/PTSD) behind and I wanted a fresh start.

And it was honestly WONDERFUL. Even with all the trouble Cole had nursing, we have had a great, wonderful, awesome, joyful year. I am sorry 2010 is almost over.

Yet. Yet.

I am looking forward to 2011 too. I'm making some changes around here- here the blog, here the house, here myself.

I'm going to add some things to the blog. New pages, new format, new layout. I want to open myself up to product reviews and write the odd article. I have several article ideas for NPN and I hope those pan out. However, the blog will always have its orginal intent- to keep extended family informed of what happens around here, the house with the red front door.

I'm trying to keep the house, and our lives, more organized and scedualed. It is hard to keep a clean and clutter free house with four children and a gaint, massive pony dog.I want to stay on top of the filing. Yeah, well, I can dream, right?

Next year will be the first year I won't have a child in preschool. Joseph will be in second grade in the fall and Camille will start kindergarden. In some respects, life will get a whole heck of alot easier when I do not have to drive to preschool and then run to get Joseph shortly after I have to pick her up. Yes, I will be at school every two hours... but I will only be dealing with one school! How odd!

I think often to the time before Georgie, when I had just Joseph and Camille. I would walk everyday before dinner and we would play in the park alot. I was pretty thin when I got pregnant with Georgie. I don't know if those were simpler times. Certainly, I had half the children I do now. I know they were stressful and hard in their own right. Yet, I also know something broke when I had Georgie and when we moved. I changed. I am not the person I used to be. I am not as open. I am much more guarded. I am much more fearful, more protective.

I have a better balance in my life. I know what I really need to say yes too and what I can let slide. I like working at the parish and school but my focus is more on us, our family of six. I like that.

Yet I have let myself slide. I used to attened Weight Watchers and take good care of myself. We lived close to the pool and a mall and I could just go swimming or walk the mall easy peasy. I trusted the child care at the pool and my job as a swim coach allowed me to workout and work. SCORE.

I need to get back to that. I need to take care of myself. Yes, Cole is only 8 months old but I am tired of having cute, nice clothes in my closet that I haven't worn since 2007. Alot of my friends are loosing weight now. While many of them have less children than I do, some of them have more. If they can find time to hit the gym I can too. If they can find the motivation to cut calories and track them, I can too.

Starting next Saturday, Adam is going to drop me at the gym when he takes the kids out to eat. I am going to go to a pilates class. When he's home over break, I'm going to go to the gym several times. After all, if he can run out for two hours around lunch time to swim, then I can also have an hour or so at the gym to myself.

In Jan, I am going to deal with the guilt and go one or two other times. I don't like placing the kids in childcare when one has school in the afternoon. It seems like they are away from me for the whole day, then and what's the point of being a SAHM if I never see my kids?

HOWEVER, there is nothing selish about taking time for myself to keep myself healthy. I don't like the weight I am now. I am tired all the time. I don't feel good about myself. I'm not healthy. My kids deserve a healthy, active mother and, frankly, I deserve to be a healthy, active woman. I want to look and feel good for my husband.

I know I have had two babies in 16 months and was pregnant or nursing for two years straight. I'm going to be kind with myself. At 31, I don't expect to be a size two. I know I won't have time to work out 20 hours a week like I did when I was a teenager. I am okay with that.

Hopefully, this time next year, I will have a happy, active three year old, a smiling bear of a 20 month old, one readying for his first Holy Communion and a blond, spirited kindergardener. The pony will still be a pony (who sleeps on my couch) and my husband will always been an engineer.Yet I hope to not be surrounded by paper that needs to be filed. I hope to have twenty pounds melted (sweated?) off and be healthier, if not thinner.

Not as tired? Well, one can only dream!

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