Thursday, August 12, 2010

One year

Dear ColeBear,
It has been one year since we found out you were coming. It was a hot August day when I realized that maybe my period was a little late and maybe the "middle age spread" wasn't due to too many cheese curds in Wisconsin or, well, middle age.

We had talked about a fourth child. We had wanted a fourth child. We were going to wait until Georgie was two.

But you came on your own time, On God's time and it was, of course, perfect.

We were sacred for you. We were worried that you wouldn't make it until your lungs were mature enough to withstand the outside world. My anxiety was never caused by you. It was for you- anxiety that I would fail you, would fail to keep you safe until you were mature enough to greet us. Seeing your heartbeat at six weeks wasn't enough. Finding you were a healthy, growing boy wasn't enough. We wanted the best start for you, a healthy start.

And by the grace of God, you had it.

To this day, I can still remember the elation I had at reaching 36, then 37 and finally, on Easter morning, 38 weeks. I still remember being surprised but thrilled when I was in labor- FULL TERM! I remember our doula meeting me at the house, laboring with me as the sun poured through the window. We walked along the walking trail, talking, carrying Georgie and listening to the dogs bark. Then, at just the right time, we went to the hospital. In a whirl, you were born.

I can still feel the earth-drenched warmth as they pulled you from me and I said, "He's MINE!" and they handed you to me. You smelled of birth, of the earth after a spring rain, of new baby. You were MINE- healthy, and crying and warm.

Oh ColeBear. I gave you what I wanted most for you, a healthy start. But YOU! You gave us so much more! You are our fourth baby, another beloved son. You are sweetness, warmth, light all in one little package.

We wanted you, Cole Robert. Never forget that, never doubt that. Yes, you came on your own time. you came on your own plan. You did things your way. If I could go back to the night you were made, would I change anything? NO! Absolutely, positivity, one hundred per cent no. I want you. I need you. You make this family whole.

You taught us so much. You taught us, reminded us, to rejoice in God, to proclaim the greatness of the Lord even when we don't understand the Plan. You reminded us to be patient, to wait, that all good things would come in time. You reminded me that there is a purpose bigger than all of us. You have a reason to be here, Cole.

I wish I could spend all my time kissing you, singing your silly song and staring at you. I marvel everyday how much this family had changed in a year and how good things became.
You are a darling baby, a sweet, patient little brother and a joy to be around. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for you and for us, with you in it.
Just one thing, ColeBear. Remember my meditation, what carried me through the fear, the doubt, the anxiety of your pregnancy. Remember "my soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord and my spirit exalts in God my Saviour" and always let your soul proclaim the greatness of God, who knows better than us and in His perfect timing, gave us to you.

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