Thursday, June 20, 2013

Did I do enough?

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

-- St. Teresa of Avila
Every once in awhile, my head becomes a dangerous place to be. I question myself, I beat myself up, I wonder what I did wrong, and so on.
I'm sure part of it is just me and my nature. I worry and I like to try and fix things, especially things I cannot fix. I like to do it MYSELF and placing my trust in someone else, even Jesus, is a huge grumpy issue for me. I like to be in control.
It's easy for me to pray, "Jesus I trust in you!" when I can live with any results of the prayer. But when trusting in Jesus might result in something I don't like, don't care for or think I can't live with, my prayer becomes, "Jesus, I trust in you... but let's do this my way, okay?"
Lately, I've been fretting that I didn't DO enough. I didn't say the Novena properly, so surely St. Theresa won't intercede for me. I didn't run hard enough and offer up my suffering (cramps, sore legs) enough so surely it doesn't "count" and God won't hear my prayers. I'm praying to the wrong saint, the wrong person, not asking Jesus enough. I didn't sacrifice, suffer enough, ask enough people to pray. Or perhaps I asked too many people, made a pest of myself and God was all, "Take a chill pill, dear."
See, though, those are the dangerous thoughts. God hears my prayers, all of them, whether they are in proper form or simply, "Heeellllp." While certain saints do have their special causes, they all hear my prayers and are happy to pray with me. Even a small thing done with great love is enough for God. He doesn't put a measure on the amount of suffering and offering up I do. And, frankly, it all pales in comparison to the whole "being nailed to a cross and dying for all humanity" deal.
I did do enough, and I won't stop. I will keep praying and trying to remind myself that I DO trust in Jesus, no matter what the outcome is. My way isn't always the right way and, with time, I will see why it is the perfect plan even if it seems to be so very wrong right now.
Jesus, I trust in You... no disclaimers.

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