*Insert Explicitive Here*

It's allll going doooown, baby.

On Tuesday, Cole had an appointment with our ENT. This is the same office that Camille saw to have her tonsils, adnoids and hearing checked. We had a wonderful, postive experience with them the first time, so I was pumped to be seeing them again.

The ENT we saw was NOT the same one we saw with Camille but nevertheless had an awesome personaility and was a great dr. He confirmed the Type Four tie but said he didn't want to/couldn't do the surgery without general ana. and didn't want to do that until Cole reaches 13 pounds. He felt that there could be something neuro-musclar going on or that he would out grow or compesant for the tie as he gets bigger. He wants to keep an eye on him and see us in a month.

I left the appointment not knowing what to think, excpet that I was upset that they couldn't or wouldn't do anything for another month. I was really, really hoping they would say, "Yup! A tounge tie! Let's do surgery" and put him on the sced. for sooner rather than later. I was half way to tears at the thought of pumping again for another MONTH.

(Yes, I got Chik-Fil-A on the way home. The kids were beyond mad I got CFA for ME and not THEM too but I had not eaten breakfast at all nor had coffee so the fries were totally called for. Right.)

The more I thought about it, though, and the more I talked to other mothers, LLL leaders and my LC, the more I realized this is crazy. He's my fourth baby so I know what a nursing newborn feels like and his latch is "wrong." His birthweight crashed and it took him almost three weeks to get back up and the ONLY reason we got him there was through pumping and bottle feeding. The drs were happy he was finally gaining weight but seemed to not hear the "BUT he only got .2 ounces from me during a weight check after 45 minutes of nursing!" He has all the signs of a tounge tie. Besides, nursing is an instinct. We put him on my chest within seconds of birth and, at one point, watched him scoot down and latch on without any help. For the most part, babies are indeed born knowing how to breastfeed and, in my mind, there is no reason why a normal, full term newborn with a normal birthweight and a normal delivery (ie, no birth trauma) should be unable to nurse... UNLESS there is a problem with mom, baby or both.

He's my fourth baby, my supply is good, I'm fine, he's healthy... so the signs point to an oral problem with HIM. Why? Because on a basic, biological level (which he is functioning at) there is no reason for him to simply not nurse, especially when we see him give it the old college try. He knows what to do, he wants to nurse but he physically CAN'T.

I had a meltdown this morning. Around 9:30 last night, my pump stopped working and flashed ERROR. I don't care what electronic device you are, flashing ERROR is Not A Good Thing. I had gotten only 1.5 ounces (half a feeding) but was exhausted so I just went to bed. This had happened before, so I figured the pump would work again in a few hours.

Fast forward to midnight. It was clear Cole was having a growth spurt so I thought, "Well, I need to pump more to keep up with him!" I got up to pump extra, plugged it in, got enough to cover the bottom of the bottles... and I saw ERROR.

F.

I took the pump downstairs, plugged it in, got 3 minutes of pumping in and... Yup.

Are you impressed I resisted the urge to chuck the horns accross the room?

Adam must have been pretty mad too because he suggested calling the rental company right then. I said no, since it was a private business out of a home. I grabbed my hand pump (which would be flashing ERROR if it were electronic) and finished myself off as best I could.

(That sounds wrrrrooong on so many levels.)

Because Cole blew through everything in the fridge and was tapping into the freezer stash, Adam went out to WM at 2 am to get some emergancy formula. I resisted the urge to chuck the hand pump AND the rental out of the windows, only because our home owners insurence might not cover the replacement of the windows and went to bed.

(Then again, if I got a working, pumping mother on the line, she would probably understand where I am coming from and code it so it would be covered.... hum....)

At 6 am, I fed Cole a bottle and tried to use the hand pump. That thing really needs to just hit the recycle bin. It's had six years of use and is begging me to put it out of its misery. Really.

Today was Muffins for Moms at Joseph school. I called the pump rental place, where I was informed that we could "reset" the pump and all the rest of their pumps were rented out. I was thisclose to swearing like a salior, telling them their stupid pump was broke, I didn't WANT to exclusivly pump but MY BABY CAN'T NURSE!!!!, I am in PAIN, tired, have NO COFFEE and DAMN IT JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER PUMP.

I didn't say it but I THOUGHT it.

The woman had the guts to YAWN on the phone and I was all, "Boo frickin hoo for you. I've been up since 1 am. YOUR STUPID PUMP broke and therefor my husband had to get formula at 2 am. I WANT TO FEED MY BABY and my boobs HURT so fix the damn problem!"

I didn't say it but I THOUGHT it.

We reset the pump. I went to Muffins for Moms. (Oooohhh... Mimi's Cafe muffins!) I came home. I pumped. I got 15 minutes in (and an INSANE amount of milk!) before the pumped beeped and said ERROR.

I swore like a salior inside.

I called the pump lady AGAIN who had me take the card out of the back. I did this one handed with a crying baby in the other. I ran the pump solo (ie, I didn't pump) for awhile to see if it worked.

After this, I called every.single oral surgon or ENT who had been recommended to me. It was rather amusing, in hindsight, and a bit like when I had to call around for a dr for me. Not a single one took our insurence. Not.a.one.

Then I was thiscloser to a Total Nuclear Meltdown.

Thankfully, Cole was feeling cuddly so I cuddled him on the couch and let Camille and Georgie do whatever. The house looks like whatever offically hit it but I napped for an hour. I moved only to get a bottle and take a phone call from the LC.

Bless her- she had the name of two ENTs who fellow LCs said knew and had delt with a Type Four tie. She gave me some more information and I felt so much better after talking to her. The first place I called took our insurence AND has an opening for Tuesday.

I will so make it work because we need a second opinion. I am thankful Cole is healthy. I am thankful he is full term. I am happy we have clean water and the money to afford formula, which is not evil.

But I WANT to nurse my baby. And even if I didn't, this could affect his speech down the road so I owe it to him NOW to have it looked at and possibly taken care of.

And then I can stop swearing internally.