Wednesday, October 23, 2013

We are not the type of people who should have priests over for dinner

Our parish had a "change of command" this summer and, as a result, we have two new priests and a revolving door of visiting priests. Plenty of people are inviting them over for dinner. I've thought about it. I'm slightly tempted to do it. But... with four kids and a dog who just tipped 140 pounds, all I can think is

epic disaster.

I was chatting with a friend about this and she said, "Really, how bad would it be?"

You want to know what would happen? Because I can tell you how well this will go.

I will spend all day cleaning the house and the children. Right before they arrive, the kids will be watching TV, something holy and saint producing like Dog with a Blog or Scooby-Doo. As soon as they arrive, my little saints will turn into little demons, wrestling on the floor.The 140 pound dog will begin to bark and jump up and down. I will hiss at the kids, make the dog sit and run for the door, sliding on the just mopped floor. I'll do a quick "is there underwear behind the door?" check before opening it.

They won't be able to get into the door because the dog will be blocking their entrance, wanting to be petted. As I invite them into the living room, the kids will begin showing off... and I don't mean that Charlie the Cello will make an appearance. Someone will be wrestling, someone will be fighting, the preschooler will lose his pants . . . and the priests will sit on our couch that suddenly smells like dog.

And is that dog drool on the couch?

I will off them a glass of wine, a beer or 12 different soda, bought in a nervous moment going, "OMGOSH, what if one of them is a die-hard Pepsi fan and is MORTALLY OFFENDED that we only have DIET COKE?!" I will announce that dinner is Beer and Cheese soup, which, coupled with the offers of wine, makes us look like lushes.

I swear we only drink on days that end in Y, Father!

My husband or myself will hand the gentlemen their drinks and Higgins will knock it out of their hands as he demands a pet. One of us will ask a kid to get a rag and one will argue with me about this.

At dinner, one child will refuse to eat, one will loudly protest the food, one will melt down and one will run to the potty, demanded that I wipe his butt. You guess which one will do which. Any religious questions that the priests' ask them will be met with blank stares or,"I don't know," EVEN THOUGH THEY DO.

The dog will stand at the table, barking for food.

After dinner, we will send the kids to watch You-tube so the adults can sit in peace in quiet. I will ask them if they want dessert and they will politely accept, even though the cake leans more than the leaning tower. The children will run back into the room, saying they are STARVING and oh, is that CAKE?! The adults might get cake. Maybe. And hopefully it will taste good.

The priests will decline the offer of a second drink or leftovers and run home, glad that they picked the vocation of the priesthood (and celibacy!) over marriage (and children!) At Mass, they will avoid our eyes and pretend we never met. They might run screaming from the children.

Yeah. Yeah, we really aren't the type of people who should have priests over for dinner.

We're thinking sometime after the holidays?

1 comment:

  1. The only time I ever had a priest in my house/room was in college....